Life has been going on. It’s loud, fast, chaotic, and messy as always. Raising three boys, going to school, battling health issues, volunteering, teaching, presenting, etc. etc. Great things are taking place everyday, and not so great things are taking place, too.
Thankfully, I’ve gotten better at sorting things in my head. Phew. It took what, 40 years, but I am definitely feeling better about my sorting system.
Recently, I had experienced some rejections by people. They either lashed out at me, or suddenly pretended I did not exist. While I did my best to be open, honest, and fair, but my approach was not well received.
For the past month, I have been pretty ill on and off. My body probably couldn’t handle all the stress in my life. Years ago, when I went through the ordeal of having my health completely crash, I faced it with such strength, no one could guess I was going through so much. I was proud of that. But this time, I was feeling pretty devastated.
Everything that was happening in my life was so heavy, and thoughts like, “What if I’m dying?” often flashed in my head. I am an active Mom, I am constantly on the move, but last weekend, I sat on my couch and didn’t do a thing. I didn’t have any will, energy, or desire to move. There was nothing for me to muster to get myself moving. I even thought, “It would be fine if I just died now…” It was not a pretty sight. Not only did I feel terrible about what I was going through, but my body was also feeling the effects of everything.
As I sat on that couch I thought, “What happened to my strength?” I so badly needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together. And this wasn’t just about my health, but it was about finding peace in my heart, that was the tricky part.
I had to crash and burn a little bit, so I could find myself again, so that I could redirect my life to make it better. Little did I know, my strength was there all along. In fact, these negative things had to come my way so that I would be forced to dig deeper to find that strength. And every time I come to this type of fork on the road, I have to take a good look at myself before anything else. I know it all starts with me.
It was hard, and felt like someone punched me in the gut. I had to face all the mistakes I made, own them, and take actions to make them right. And I did. I also realized that I needed to let go, so I did that, too. Don’t give it another thought, let go, was the answer to some of my struggles.
Sometimes when people hurt you, it is hard to wish them well, but you gotta do it. The other night, I sent my loving prayer to them. I’ll admit, it didn’t come smoothly, but I did it. And I’ll be honest, I don’t know if it worked or not, but it was important that I did it.
Life is full of challenges, and the world is shared by all types of people. All of us equally have the right to exist, and be who we are. And as hard as it is, it is important to understand each other’s differences, and do our best to be kind and accepting. If we could try to see each other’s lives as deeply as we see our own, maybe it would be easier to do just that.